Paralysis

I am feeling paralyzed. I want to write, write, write, but all I can do is grade, grade, grade.
I want to read, read, read, McCourt and Sartre and Tsu, but all I can think of is Poe, and Pigman, and Piggy.
I want to think about music and movies and more, but all I can think of is Mike Mancuso, Mark Mason, and Marisa Martinez.
I want to sleep, and wake up when it's light out.
I want to go out at night, party till the morning light, and not have to worry about homeroom at 8:02.

But, I want to inspire, invent, and invigorate.
I want to motivate, mitigate, and mesmerize.
I want to make students try, trust themselves and me, and then try again.

I want to teach.

Only teaching three weeks, I have already had a milestone in my career. Monday morning, thoughts of Office Space and the "case of the Mondays" inevitably running through my mind, in addition to a million other things, I ran into a rainstorm, and left my umbrella at home. My large Dunkin Donuts coffee--just milk, no sugar--toppled down off of my armful of paperwork, and landed all over my brand new shirt, Dockers, and students' notebooks. All before first period!

My discontent was radiating from my coffee-stained pores. I wished General Zaroff would leap out of the pages of "The Most Dangerous Game" and shoot me with his pistol right then and there. End the embarrassment and ridicule.
But, fate stepped in, and I was saved by understanding co-workers, who told me to go home and change. On this hiatus, I took a step back, and realized that the students were not learning anything from my low-energy. Just because my morale was low due to my coffee stain did not mean my students should have to suffer. I returned to my classrooms re-energized and enthusiastic, and my students responded more favorably than earlier that morning.

That day, I was the one learning a lesson first period, even if my students didn't. Every day, I must teach as if I haven't spilled coffee all over my shirt, for if I am miserable like I was after the coffee incident, the students will not learn anything, and they, too, will be in a state of paralysis.