Twenty-two

At such a contemplative, confusing age, this kind of makes sense to me.

From the "Tao Te Ching" by Lao Tsu:

TWENTY-TWO

Yield and overcome;
Bend and be straight;
Empty and be full;
Wear out and be new;
Have little and gain;
Have much and be confused.

Therefore wise men embrace the one
And set an example to all.
Not putting on a display,
They shine forth.
Not justifying themselves,
They are distinguished.
Not boasting,
They receive recognition.
Not bragging,
They never falter.
They do not quarrel,
So no one quarrels with them.
Therefore the ancients say, "Yield and overcome."
Is that an empty saying?
Be really whole,
And all things will come to you.

I love the last two lines...Be really whole, and all things will come to you.
Be really whole :)

Blurry

I have been feeling way too much guilt lately. Guilt for things I've done. Usually one feels guilt for the things he has not done; I feel the opposite.
Mainly, it has involved the use of alcohol. I feel like I can't just go out and have a few. Instead, I find myself in situations where I am buying for more than myself and am looking to go crazy. I don't know why this is happening.

I try and step back just a second and I feel like I can't. The normal response should be, I guess, that I'm 22 years old and this is what happens when you're 22. But, I feel that that response isn't so.

I kind of want to change things as they are right now. I do and I don't. I'm at this in-between stage, I feel like, where I don't know my right from my left. Where what I did and have done before is blurring with what I am doing now.

I feel like I need to cut myself off for awhile. Put down the cell phone, sign off of IM, and start worrying about what me and my family, the people I love, are doing--instead of what I need to be doing with my friends, which has become self-destructive, in a sense. I feel I have gotten into a routine that is destructive and not something I have hoped for in my life. I need to become un-blurred from this.