My mind is harassing me tonight. I have been enveloped lately in thinking about my upcoming cross country trip. What this trip means for me. I have had this longing recently, this pining for something or someone, a comfort of some sort with which I can share my innermost thoughts. I'm hoping this trip will be a venue for me to do this.
Reading John Steinbeck's memoir about driving cross-country, I realize that this longing for something unknown, out of the ordinary afflicts many people in America. Steinbeck explores this concept in himself and in the characters he meets scattered across this great country. And I find myself in a sense through his travels, but I'm hoping to find myself through my own travels as well.
Why is loneliness and longing so tangible? Every time I get these pangs, I can feel them coming from a mile off and they linger for days, weeks, even months, like the satisfaction of eating a rich piece of chocolate cake, or the persistence of being overcome with the flu.
However persistent and tangible these pangs of loneliness/longing are, they are so incomplete and unfulfilled. They are begging to be filled up, to be rife with joy and satisfaction, happiness and laughter. The lack of these elements, I believe, causes the longing to grow and grow, until it envelopes my entire being, so my heart, mind, and soul are all craving something as tangible as the longing itself, something that will fulfill all desire and want.
I am reminded of my youth. When I was 2, 3 years old and I would get hungry, I would go into the kitchen, open up all the cabinets, stare at all the boxes of food, and boldly declare, "I want some-sing...I want some-SING!" (my "th" sounds weren't greatly developed at this time period). What I wanted wasn't necessarily a sweet piece of candy, or a salty pretzel, it was the feeling of fulfillment. The feeling of filling in a void, the void occupied inside of me by want, by longing, by desire.
I need some-sing now to fill up this void of want, longing, and desire that's inside of me.
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