There is a feeling I sometimes get; it is a feeling common to cold, icy wintry nights, where the ice fills my heart, flowing through my veins with a brittle chill. I have been getting this feeling more often lately. It is a feeling as if my heart were hollow, void of something, intense longing plaguing each laborious beat, each arduous ebb and flow.
I see this ice everywhere I go, and there is a thawing feeling growing inside of me that is suppressed by my constant encounters with the unyielding rime.
Yet, I cannot pinpoint my feeling's frosty origin. At what point did my temperature turn to freezing? Did my blood begin to freeze?
I just hope this icy pall will soon defrost, that my cold thoughts will once again be even-tempered and the chill will turn into unending warmth of body and mind.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
2008 In Review
2008 in Review
My initial sentiments on the year 2008, the year of the Rat, are those of its namesake: small, mostly wretched, and unpleasant. I have experienced much loss this year, with only little gain. There was some joy, but much pain. Friends were gained, but, I fear, more lost. Now, without further ado, the roller-coaster ride that was 2008:
My job saw its set of ups and downs: Though my teaching style and ability has improved, this being my second year teaching, my job remains in jeopardy due to budget cuts in education. This dismal state of uncertainty has left many a negative teacher and has certainly impeded my joy in the classroom and at school in general around my coworkers. Additionally, at the end of my first year of teaching, I become enmeshed in a scandal that pitted two friends of mine against each other and sent my once peaceful work environment into a frenzied mire of “he said/she said” nonsense.
My family has seen its set of ups and downs: My sister graduated from college in June, the same month my cousin got married in probably the best wedding I will ever go to (other than my own, let’s hope). This was only days before our families experienced their most-harrowing times: the deaths of my uncle’s father (his family is so close to mine that we all go on vacations together) and my own grandmother, who at 92 represented the matriarchal glue that my family was so used to seeing and feeling at all events and in everyday life. Now six months after this grim period, we are still facing sorrow and distress: my father lost his job in November, with little hope in plain sight; my 11-year-old faithful golden retriever is dying of cancer; and my 92-year-old heart-ached grandfather is also slowly deteriorating. And yet, what of these sentiments will I have to endure in 2009? Was there any good from this year that will endure into the next?
There was a time this year of complete joy and unfettered happiness for me. In July, I embarked on the greatest trip of my life, driving across the United States. The 5,178 miles traveled represented a road never taken, places my foot never previously stepped, but that now have traces of my prints and I of theirs. It was a phenomenal departure from the despondency of life as I knew it, and I fear that I need another departure to get me back into the swing of things.
Another high point of the year, which I was not directly involved in, was the election of a candidate for President whose values and beliefs I too believed in. Barack Obama’s campaign was founded on the two words “change” and “hope,” and no doubt the 2008 election year will go down in history bearing those two words. However, let’s look into them a little further. Change. 2008 was a year of change; however, for me it was depressing and discouraging, an unwanted change, one for the worse. Hope. 2009 can be the year of hope, that there are better times ahead, that all is not lost, and that a saying in one of the best movies of the year—The Dark Knight—is true: “the night is darkest before dawn.” I hope that in 2009, a new day will dawn for me and my family that will entail happiness, joy, and good, something to raise the spirit before it plummets further into depression, discouragement, and eventual darkness. Let’s hope the year of the ox has the strength to bring about that much-needed spiritual uprising.
My initial sentiments on the year 2008, the year of the Rat, are those of its namesake: small, mostly wretched, and unpleasant. I have experienced much loss this year, with only little gain. There was some joy, but much pain. Friends were gained, but, I fear, more lost. Now, without further ado, the roller-coaster ride that was 2008:
My job saw its set of ups and downs: Though my teaching style and ability has improved, this being my second year teaching, my job remains in jeopardy due to budget cuts in education. This dismal state of uncertainty has left many a negative teacher and has certainly impeded my joy in the classroom and at school in general around my coworkers. Additionally, at the end of my first year of teaching, I become enmeshed in a scandal that pitted two friends of mine against each other and sent my once peaceful work environment into a frenzied mire of “he said/she said” nonsense.
My family has seen its set of ups and downs: My sister graduated from college in June, the same month my cousin got married in probably the best wedding I will ever go to (other than my own, let’s hope). This was only days before our families experienced their most-harrowing times: the deaths of my uncle’s father (his family is so close to mine that we all go on vacations together) and my own grandmother, who at 92 represented the matriarchal glue that my family was so used to seeing and feeling at all events and in everyday life. Now six months after this grim period, we are still facing sorrow and distress: my father lost his job in November, with little hope in plain sight; my 11-year-old faithful golden retriever is dying of cancer; and my 92-year-old heart-ached grandfather is also slowly deteriorating. And yet, what of these sentiments will I have to endure in 2009? Was there any good from this year that will endure into the next?
There was a time this year of complete joy and unfettered happiness for me. In July, I embarked on the greatest trip of my life, driving across the United States. The 5,178 miles traveled represented a road never taken, places my foot never previously stepped, but that now have traces of my prints and I of theirs. It was a phenomenal departure from the despondency of life as I knew it, and I fear that I need another departure to get me back into the swing of things.
Another high point of the year, which I was not directly involved in, was the election of a candidate for President whose values and beliefs I too believed in. Barack Obama’s campaign was founded on the two words “change” and “hope,” and no doubt the 2008 election year will go down in history bearing those two words. However, let’s look into them a little further. Change. 2008 was a year of change; however, for me it was depressing and discouraging, an unwanted change, one for the worse. Hope. 2009 can be the year of hope, that there are better times ahead, that all is not lost, and that a saying in one of the best movies of the year—The Dark Knight—is true: “the night is darkest before dawn.” I hope that in 2009, a new day will dawn for me and my family that will entail happiness, joy, and good, something to raise the spirit before it plummets further into depression, discouragement, and eventual darkness. Let’s hope the year of the ox has the strength to bring about that much-needed spiritual uprising.
Monday, October 27, 2008
John McCain: The -Istful Candidate
If John McCain and his surrogates want to paint Barack Obama as a socialist, then they have some other “-ist” designations they should be throwing around instead.
How about populist? Ah, yes, a discourse that supports the people rather than the elite. Yes, they tried to present Obama as an elitist, but it seems that a majority of the populace is leaning toward this McCain-proclaimed socialist-elitist.
And how about that whole “pallin’ around with terrorists” rhetoric? Terrorism is defined as “the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.” Hmm…what politician would intimidate others and incite violence to achieve political aims? Shouts of “terrorist” and “off with his head” and “kill him” –heard at McCain campaign rallies--are certainly examples of violence and intimidation tactics. Yet, the authors of these unprecedented epithets, who Senator McCain simply calls “nuts,” are often addressed by the Senator himself as the ubiquitous “my friends.” Well, Senator McCain, if your friends are shouting “kill him” and “off with his head” to advance your political aims, aren’t you, essentially, palling around with terrorists?
We could get to the Muslim and Arab charge for Senator Obama, but neither of those end in “-ist,” so to stay with my theme, I’d like to bring up a religion which has not been brought up regarding Senator Obama, but which I believe is applicable. A Taoist is one who follows the traditional religious and philosophical views of Taoism. Written by Lao Tsu, one of the tenets of the Tao is the following:
“The Tao of heaven is to take from those who have too much
And give to those who do not have enough.
Man’s way is different.
He takes from those who do not have enough
To give to those who already have too much.
What man has more than enough and gives it to the world?
Only the man of Tao.”
It sounds to me like Senator Obama is more of a pacifist, Taoist populist than the terrorist-socialist-Muslim-elitist that Senator McCain’s campaign is attempting to portray him.
It’s insightful that Lao Tsu saw the flawed nature of Man, nearly 25 centuries ago, and the peaceful ways that man could adapt in order to benefit the world. However, it’s unfortunate that in our post-9/11, post-Bush, McCain v. Obama 2008 society, Lao Tsu, a revolutionary philosopher and religious figure, would merely be branded a “Socialist Elitist” unfit to rule a country of mere Men. The next President of the United States will have to pave the way for man’s adaptation to the new world of the 21st century that we find ourselves living in, for the continued benefit of all its inhabitants. Therefore, I’ll be voting for the candidate running on the pro-American Humanist platform. Can someone point me in the right direction? Because I’m quickly turning into a rapidly growing American pessimist.
How about populist? Ah, yes, a discourse that supports the people rather than the elite. Yes, they tried to present Obama as an elitist, but it seems that a majority of the populace is leaning toward this McCain-proclaimed socialist-elitist.
And how about that whole “pallin’ around with terrorists” rhetoric? Terrorism is defined as “the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.” Hmm…what politician would intimidate others and incite violence to achieve political aims? Shouts of “terrorist” and “off with his head” and “kill him” –heard at McCain campaign rallies--are certainly examples of violence and intimidation tactics. Yet, the authors of these unprecedented epithets, who Senator McCain simply calls “nuts,” are often addressed by the Senator himself as the ubiquitous “my friends.” Well, Senator McCain, if your friends are shouting “kill him” and “off with his head” to advance your political aims, aren’t you, essentially, palling around with terrorists?
We could get to the Muslim and Arab charge for Senator Obama, but neither of those end in “-ist,” so to stay with my theme, I’d like to bring up a religion which has not been brought up regarding Senator Obama, but which I believe is applicable. A Taoist is one who follows the traditional religious and philosophical views of Taoism. Written by Lao Tsu, one of the tenets of the Tao is the following:
“The Tao of heaven is to take from those who have too much
And give to those who do not have enough.
Man’s way is different.
He takes from those who do not have enough
To give to those who already have too much.
What man has more than enough and gives it to the world?
Only the man of Tao.”
It sounds to me like Senator Obama is more of a pacifist, Taoist populist than the terrorist-socialist-Muslim-elitist that Senator McCain’s campaign is attempting to portray him.
It’s insightful that Lao Tsu saw the flawed nature of Man, nearly 25 centuries ago, and the peaceful ways that man could adapt in order to benefit the world. However, it’s unfortunate that in our post-9/11, post-Bush, McCain v. Obama 2008 society, Lao Tsu, a revolutionary philosopher and religious figure, would merely be branded a “Socialist Elitist” unfit to rule a country of mere Men. The next President of the United States will have to pave the way for man’s adaptation to the new world of the 21st century that we find ourselves living in, for the continued benefit of all its inhabitants. Therefore, I’ll be voting for the candidate running on the pro-American Humanist platform. Can someone point me in the right direction? Because I’m quickly turning into a rapidly growing American pessimist.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Paying it Forward
Today I donated $20 to a complete stranger.
This guy, 44 years old, and his wife approached me in the Finleys parking lot in Bay Shore. They explained that their car broke down, they tried to take the train to Shirley, but the conductors wouldn't let them on because they didn't have enough money. The man explained that he had almost had the cops called on him, he seemed frightened looking at the cop car, and even promised me he'd go to the train station by saying I could drive him himself.
This seemed like a compelling story to me for some reason.
When I gave the man the money, he was very thankful and asked how he could pay me back. What I said was something I've never said before--something I've always thought of, but have never actually applied to my own life. I told him to pay it forward; not to pay me back, but to help somebody else out and pay it forward.
Now I do not know if the man and his wife actually went on a train to Shirley, or if they went around Bay Shore some more and got money for drugs or something, but I hope my insistence on paying it forward resonated with these two. I'm hoping this act of generosity, whether deserved or not, inspired these two to do some more, and to generate more generosity in a culture that is certainly lacking people helping people when they need it.
As I'm writing this, I'm feeling better about it. I don't know if I truly believe their story. I don't know what motivated me to help them. I will never know my motivation or the actual truth; I can only hope. If we can't rely on hope, what do we have? I half-jokingly said to a friend of mine tonight that I want to wait until people help me out with $20 - whether it's a dollar here, a drink there, a quarter next - just to see how long it takes to get my money back from others. Just a little experiment, even if it's a tad selfish.
I don't really know what to think about the whole situation, but how else would this world turn if people didn't try to pay it forward?
This guy, 44 years old, and his wife approached me in the Finleys parking lot in Bay Shore. They explained that their car broke down, they tried to take the train to Shirley, but the conductors wouldn't let them on because they didn't have enough money. The man explained that he had almost had the cops called on him, he seemed frightened looking at the cop car, and even promised me he'd go to the train station by saying I could drive him himself.
This seemed like a compelling story to me for some reason.
When I gave the man the money, he was very thankful and asked how he could pay me back. What I said was something I've never said before--something I've always thought of, but have never actually applied to my own life. I told him to pay it forward; not to pay me back, but to help somebody else out and pay it forward.
Now I do not know if the man and his wife actually went on a train to Shirley, or if they went around Bay Shore some more and got money for drugs or something, but I hope my insistence on paying it forward resonated with these two. I'm hoping this act of generosity, whether deserved or not, inspired these two to do some more, and to generate more generosity in a culture that is certainly lacking people helping people when they need it.
As I'm writing this, I'm feeling better about it. I don't know if I truly believe their story. I don't know what motivated me to help them. I will never know my motivation or the actual truth; I can only hope. If we can't rely on hope, what do we have? I half-jokingly said to a friend of mine tonight that I want to wait until people help me out with $20 - whether it's a dollar here, a drink there, a quarter next - just to see how long it takes to get my money back from others. Just a little experiment, even if it's a tad selfish.
I don't really know what to think about the whole situation, but how else would this world turn if people didn't try to pay it forward?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Occam's Razor
All other things being equal, the simplest solution is the best. This maxim is commonly known as Occam's razor. It seems incredibly optimistic and unheard of in our society nowadays that we would go for the simplest solution possible. Lately, people have been positing and pundits pontificating about how one person or another group of people are going to bail this country out of its economic debt. About how we are going to end our reliance on foreign oil. On how we are going to create more jobs inside this country. And who can get us out of this whole mess.
But, is there any way either of our cunning candidates or their surrogates could come up with a simple solution? There has to be an easy way of getting us out of this mess. I believe if we start simple, we can get complex later. If we can put a guided faith in accomplishing something for the common good in one person, a simple solution, then the more complex acts must soon follow.
It is simple to do what is good. It is complex to do what is evil; at least, that's the way it should be. Lately we have had a proclivity as a society to act more evilly than good, and we need to change that pattern. A minor change in how we act could create a sensation akin to a "pay it forward" movement, and in that case, we'd be moving and progressing forward, rather than behind.
But, is there any way either of our cunning candidates or their surrogates could come up with a simple solution? There has to be an easy way of getting us out of this mess. I believe if we start simple, we can get complex later. If we can put a guided faith in accomplishing something for the common good in one person, a simple solution, then the more complex acts must soon follow.
It is simple to do what is good. It is complex to do what is evil; at least, that's the way it should be. Lately we have had a proclivity as a society to act more evilly than good, and we need to change that pattern. A minor change in how we act could create a sensation akin to a "pay it forward" movement, and in that case, we'd be moving and progressing forward, rather than behind.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Starting Fresh
When we sleep, we like to think our mind is subdued, on auto-pilot so we can rest assuredly. I think otherwise. I think my mind is crazily moving at the speed of light up to and while I sleep. I have been lying in bed lately, unable to fall asleep, with thoughts and anxieties buzzing around in my mind. It is not until there is a clear separation of mind and body that I can actually achieve sleep, as if it were an Olympic gold medal that I am trying desperately to win.
Why is the separation of mind and body so hard to achieve? There must be a spiritual way to do this. Meditation? Tai chi? I have to look into something. I think part of the problem is I am growing. My mind and my body are growing beyond the limits that my small bed inside my small room have contained me. Every year, at certain points, I get the urge to move, to disperse myself and check out other places. I think that time has come for me now. I temporarily released my diaspora among this country on my trip this summer, but the feeling of growth beyond boundaries has returned. There are aspects of my life that have to start anew.
I think we all need a fresh start every once in awhile. Without starting new, without building ourselves up from nothing, what do we do? Sit and collect dust. And for those who started from dust, collecting dust is a step back in the progression we are going in. So I think I'm going to keep moving forward and start painting myself up on a fresh canvass...until I take a break and fall asleep.
Why is the separation of mind and body so hard to achieve? There must be a spiritual way to do this. Meditation? Tai chi? I have to look into something. I think part of the problem is I am growing. My mind and my body are growing beyond the limits that my small bed inside my small room have contained me. Every year, at certain points, I get the urge to move, to disperse myself and check out other places. I think that time has come for me now. I temporarily released my diaspora among this country on my trip this summer, but the feeling of growth beyond boundaries has returned. There are aspects of my life that have to start anew.
I think we all need a fresh start every once in awhile. Without starting new, without building ourselves up from nothing, what do we do? Sit and collect dust. And for those who started from dust, collecting dust is a step back in the progression we are going in. So I think I'm going to keep moving forward and start painting myself up on a fresh canvass...until I take a break and fall asleep.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Whirlwind
Lately I've been thinking about directions. When I'm driving West on a road, like Middle Country Road for instance, it's neat to think about the term "west" in a general, worldly sense. For instance, where my car is at that exact moment, if I were able to drive due west, straight on til' morning as they say, I could be in Pennsylvania or Ohio or Colorado, etc. And the same if I were able to drive due east. We are constantly able to move east and west, but rarely up and down. Physically, we really don't go too far up or too far down, at least not as easily. We can go as high as a sky-scraper, or of course an airplane, but it doesn't involve the same amount of effort. We can laboriously climb to the top of a mountain or scuba-dive to the bottom of the ocean, but these activities are not common to everyman's everyday life. And of course at times we fall down, but as I was reminded when watching Batman Begins, "Why do we fall? To pick ourselves up."
Tonight, I watched a pair of "funnel clouds" from my backyard deck. These twister-like masses appeared in the distance, only a few miles, just over the Long Island Sound, extending out from a massive storm cloud that ballooned and marshmallowed all the way up to the sun. It was a magnificent sight to see from the vantage point of my own backyard. But, I thought about the rare tornado action that we see here on the island as a sign that even though we might get caught in a whirlwind sometimes, there is beauty and serenity and solace underneath it all. I was able to see this beautiful sight, which got me thinking; others were able to capture it on video and are now featured in the (local news); yet, if these twin twisters had been 20 miles closer to land, houses (possibly even those of some good friends) could have been seriously damaged.
We tend to encounter whirlwinds like these all the time. The key is looking underneath for that glimpse of light or way of picking ourselves back up when the dust settles and the wind dies down a bit.
Tonight, I watched a pair of "funnel clouds" from my backyard deck. These twister-like masses appeared in the distance, only a few miles, just over the Long Island Sound, extending out from a massive storm cloud that ballooned and marshmallowed all the way up to the sun. It was a magnificent sight to see from the vantage point of my own backyard. But, I thought about the rare tornado action that we see here on the island as a sign that even though we might get caught in a whirlwind sometimes, there is beauty and serenity and solace underneath it all. I was able to see this beautiful sight, which got me thinking; others were able to capture it on video and are now featured in the (local news); yet, if these twin twisters had been 20 miles closer to land, houses (possibly even those of some good friends) could have been seriously damaged.
We tend to encounter whirlwinds like these all the time. The key is looking underneath for that glimpse of light or way of picking ourselves back up when the dust settles and the wind dies down a bit.
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